One of the things I wish I did sooner was to speak out about how I’ve been feeling on this #twinflamejourney. It’s been a difficult process and I realize now, I needed someone to talk to about what was happening to me. I should have started to speak out about the abuse sooner. I should have not cared so much for his feelings, or reputation. I should have cared more about how horrible I felt. I feel ashamed that I allowed this to happen after healing from my traumatic divorce.
I feel much better now that I’m sharing my story and that this is helping others, but WHY didn’t I open up about this to you guys sooner?
Simple answer - I was ashamed.
I was ashamed at myself for becoming insecure even though I was strong with conviction about the love I had for him.
I was ashamed for not addressing the red flags, even though I saw them from day 1.
I was ashamed that I allowed a man to disrespect me whilst still have so much ‘power’ over my heart.
And, I am ashamed that even after all this abuse - I still care.
Looking back over the past two years and knowing now about the finer details of this twin flame connection - things could have been handled differently. I could have taken different steps to protect myself from abuse. I could have spoken out about it sooner.
The thing about emotional abuse inside relationships is that you cannot SEE it - you FEEL it. I felt the same way with RA in my twin flame connection as I did with my ex husband of 10 years…and I ignored that abuse as well.
The abuse I had inside my 10 year marriage broke my soul. It cracked my conscience to the core. It weakened my spirit and destroyed my confidence. Nobody knew I was suffering in silence. Nobody knew of how destructive my husband was. Nobody saw his evil side; to everyone else - he was a knight in shining armor and our love was a fairytale romance.
Yeah right! That marriage was extremely toxic, but I didn’t know it at the time. I didn’t know anything about narcissistic abuse, but I felt it. Boy, did I FEEL it.
Over time my friends and family saw me change into a completely different person. The bubbly young woman who was successful and popular became a fragile little girl without a voice. I became weak and insecure. I needed someone to talk to back then, but I had nobody to turn to. I didn’t understand it was wrong and I was ashamed at the naivety of my life decisions.
I stayed silent inside my abusive marriage until I could no longer handle it anymore. I spoke out, but made decisions that I regret (due to lack of knowledge of the justice system) and in the end (because I didn’t seek the proper guidance) he stole my daughter, betrayed my trust, destroyed my marriage vows, and killed my commitment as mom. I am ashamed that someone like me is a victim of parental alienation abuse.
We’ve been told never to air out personal relationship issues to friends and family members, but we’ll call the cops (who know nothing of the relationship) when there are domestic violence issues. We’ve been told to not air out the dirty laundry for others to see as these are private affairs, but we allow ourselves to be harmed behind closed doors. We’ve been conditioned to believe that a happy marriage is the sign of success, and a divorce is a sign of failure, which is a false assumption pumped out by mainstream.
Shame is so prevalent and powerful inside broken relationships that most people ignore the abuse and die with a beaten, torn out, and soiled heart. The issues never get resolved in this lifetime, and the karma between the two people continues for future generations to come.
Not only does the abuse continue throughout lifetimes until it is stopped, the impact it has on family siblings and children is also present until it is resolved. Remember - we live in an energetic realm here on Earth and so the memory of the dark energy of abuse never dies. Every wrong that happens in this world needs to be put right for karma to correct itself and this only happens with forgiveness. Karma is cleared when true forgiveness is honored, accepted, and positive correction happens because of it.
Forgiveness only happens when you use your voice. When you share your discomfort with others AND when you admit shame. It’s one of the most difficult processes to endure - to loose your voice and power inside a relationship because of another man, or woman, but it doesn’t have to be this way.
I’m here to end the stigma of feeling shame when speaking out due to relationship breakdowns. I’m here to share knowledge with you about emotional and domestic violence so you can make better decisions towards personal empowerment. And, I’m here to relinquish the hidden burden of keeping abuse a secret because of shame.
Abuse is a sign for healing. A problem halved is a problem shared.
I encourage anyone who is currently experiencing abuse (i.e physical, emotional, sexual, psychological, financial) inside your relationship to speak out to a trusted friend, or advisor. It doesn’t have to be a couples counsellor, or a lawyer. It can be anyone you trust.
If your gut is feeling uncomfortable - it’s telling you things are not right inside the relationship. If your soul aches for attention to matters of the heart, your only answer is to fix it yourself. Nobody is going to do this hard work for you. Evolution is an inside job, but it doesn’t mean you have to do it alone. You do not need to suffer in silence and in fact - speaking out loud about your emotions and getting support and encouragement is exactly the type of healing that needs to happen.
From there the darkness is transformed into greatness. You become a better person for yourself, your family, and for all of humanity.
If you want support through your abusive relationship, get in touch
Sheena Alexandra
The Spiritual Alchemist
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